Would You Give Me Another Chance?

"We will talk later, calm down."

That later never came. I take a moment to process all that happened today, and consider the effects of it. Perhaps it was meant to be, you know, the almighty and the fate playing hoopla with my life. But I certainly have never credited him (or her, you never know) for my accomplishments, then why, all of sudden I am assuming he's there. And even if he is there somewhere, he's not going to sort my dangled strings of complications out. I sort my shit out. 

As the reminiscences of the day hasten through me, a persisting thought finds its way to my conscious mind. How it is just about scary to come so close to someone that you actually start seeing parts of yourself in them. That you begin to mutter the same syllables, have similar thoughts, parallel opinions, you share inside jokes and talks just with a slight trivial glance at them because you're so irresistibly close to them and the waves of whatever -ship you’re in radiates through air. You’re so close to them that you can almost sense how they feel but they rapidly and unexpectedly pull themselves away.

Perhaps it was my mistake. I was just too rude and the steaming anger did much more damage than I could have possibly controlled. 
It is just so strange that what once was strong as fire could be blown off by a little frosty arctic winter breeze. 
But we both never really talked to each other, did we? It was all just, 'Hey, how are you?', 'How was the review', 'How is your health?' Or the more personal, 'I hope you're doing fine' and ‘Oh, I am glad you’re here with me, I love you’. 
But that kind of solitude felt okay. This loneliness is saddening. 
It almost pains you physically, your inside wrenches and you somehow don't feel good about it. Like you have heavy hearts or lungs or whatever there is in the upper middle body. But it is just so bizarre to expect that kind of separation from someone who knew about you, how you react to everything big or small, happy or sad, and who knew your sleeping times, working times, and that you go days without bathing, that you don't pretend to like someone and say things on the faces of other people, that you weren’t feeling okay, and that the same mistake made thrice would actually distress you off really hard.

So, I feel a little distant with myself, and I might have a little headache the coming day. Headache is so common for me these days, it must be just because of my odd sleeping habits and insomniac behaviour. Oh how my imagination flies in another direction, within seconds. Anyway, I lost someone last December. This is the same time around. And like the headache, I might actually get used to it. And I also feel a little sad, the kind of sad that makes you search deep inside yourself for all the mistakes you made, but still I am not talking to her. 

Many a promise left hanging in the air, many a thousand thoughts contradicted, and many a lesson learnt.

I am off apologizing for the things I didn't do.

"You know, you're all I ever wanted and I love you. Do you love me, Ryan?"

"Yeah, I do. I have always loved you" said I in a conspicuous little shattering voice.

"Have you forgiven me yet?"

"I have. Long back"

"Now, would you give me another chance?"

Yes  "No."