Sometimes

Sometimes, just sometimes I can hear my heart craving freedom from its cage. Sometimes, I can hear the crackling of my bones collapsing under the weight of the lives that I chose to live, and sometimes I wish to just let the fall take over me.

This is one of those times when I feel absolutely shattered, and it has nothing to do with anyone here. It's just me, trying to cope up with the lives I have chosen, and the struggle that I have to go through every day because of that. Some people see that, and try to ignore it, and the rest are just deceived by the mask of happiness that I put in front of me. 

It's not easy being me. No, I am not a girl with a red cape who tries to remove world hunger and is probably trying to bring world peace, No, I am not even doing some community service. I am a simple woman with much simpler aims. 

Some days I try to lead a team with the most irritatingly cute members, and on other days I need to make sure that I am sane myself. Some days I make projects within hours, and on other days I am not sure I have any "skills". Some days I find it hard to believe that I have actually advised someone to do something and it has turned it all in their favour, and on other days I need to re-read my own advises just so that I can work back again. 

Some days I laugh so hard at the jokes that I crack, and on other days I can feel the wetted bedside sheet below my eyes. I am that sort of a woman who spills milk on her clothes and can still go on talking about my interests and passions at length in front of a huge audience. Someone who can not eat well on a few days but can still swallow sachets on sachets of ketchup. I am the woman who loves her soulmate beyond anything but still wants to take a recluse. Someone who wishes that all her loved ones are cared for but sometimes  forgets to love her mother and father like they should be loved. I am the person who becomes the strength of her family and friends and can go to any extent to support them, but sometimes my legs are so weak with facing all the burden together that I fall and can't get up.

It's difficult being me. 

Someone who comes home to see the darker side of a family she wishes to leave and feels sad at the same time on the thought of it. Someone who wakes up in the morning with to do lists which only grow with each passing day, who wishes to climb the ladder of learnings to solve the issues she has been feeling for since she started understanding the world. Someone wishing that she can love the man of her dreams with all her heart and leaves aside her work with just one tiny hope of spending more time with him, even when he leaves in the next five minutes to attend to someone or something more important. Someone who just wants to do so many things at once but isn't sometimes able to remember little things like her bag, her wallet or even the umbrella on a rainy day. But well, I am not a girl with a red cape.

And it has nothing to with the family, or the house, or the people in my life, or my special someone. It is me, and waking up every day to see yourself struggling with these little things is not a pretty sight to behold. But it is not hard you see, pretending that everything is okay when your own self is ripping you apart, in front of you. Not something I would want even my arch enemies to face. So I just put that mask up in front of me and try to be "okay" with things that are tearing me into bits and pieces and I try to face the challenges head on. I go through the same melancholy day, the same farce with unending energy and never fading smiles. But the doors in front of me are always closing in. And when they do, I can hear those deep cries emerging from deep within me which some people ignore, and some don't even see. But the next day, I rise again only to be stronger than yesterday and more cheerful than I had ever been. 

But sometimes, just sometimes I can hear my heart craving freedom from its cage. Sometimes, I can hear the crackling of my bones collapsing under the weight of the lives that I chose to live, and sometimes I wish to just let the fall take over me.

~ Kath M. Embers