I was born in a family where I was taught that you can eliminate all the darkness with just a spark of light, that all the negativity can be erased with one streak of positivity and all the ignorance can be eradicated with continuous flashes of knowledge.
I have been a true believer of this, and it forms the fundamental way of my very living. I believe in truth above everything else and this, this I feel is something that's universally true. A flicker of light can guide a lost wanderer to his destination and a flare of spark can lead two people into a forever rising love.
"I am proud of you, you little asshole"
It wasn't meant to be funny or full of humour or a smart response that I had given for some task deftly done. It was borne purely out of love and sincere emotions towards Steve and had contained my awe for him, for the things that he does, for the brain that he has, for his thinking process, for his skill-set, for the adroit ease he shows while doing the mightiest of tasks and most of all, that he is not vain of all these things at all. I am just so proud of him but I probably failed to transpire my actual emotions into well-picked words that would show him all the things that I wanted him to see.
"And also stop calling me by such names. It's not really funny always."
Well, on the hindsight, it does seem cheap of me to call him an asshole, but he is quite an asshole at times, however, this time, it was out of admiration. It was a sarcastic way of showing my love, my affection for him. Ah my fault entirely, and I am happy Steve brought it up really because this means that we're frank and that's very important I think. We're true to each other and this is important.
But, it led me to a tiny conclusion that a little negativity sometimes crushes positivity. A simple "asshole" was enough to send the "proud of you" into deep and dark corners where its effect almost lessened so much it perhaps died out. To be terribly honest, it did sadden me up because I thought he was happy that his "precious" Kath was so very proud of him, that his "significant other" was so fond of him and loved him for all that he does. I may have used the wrong words but they were all stitched together with good intentions. Perhaps it was because I have never faced two things antagonise each other so much before this. Perhaps this is the lesson of the day, and a learning for a lifetime. But isn't it a good thing that he actually thinks I am worthy of knowing little things about him and how he feels?
Yes. I think it is.
Yet, I still won't let my heart accept this. Because this isn't true. Even if it left me sad, it in spite of that, made me feel good about the fact that we're still true to each other. Even if I had somehow disappointed him but it meant that I could improve. And that's how I know truth alone triumphs.
Similarly, the road of our love may be blurry and cloudy but it is what's visible on the outside. It may be full of hardships and difficulties but it stays strong nevertheless. And I shall make it more meaningful, more significant and purposeful. If he is the soul, I shall be his conscience. If he is the mind, I will be his reason. If he is the heart, I will be his spirit. And if he is the vision, I shall be his perception. If he wishes, I shall be his judgement, I shall be his existence, I will be his mirror.
That's all I know. That's all there is to know, I guess.
I have been a true believer of this, and it forms the fundamental way of my very living. I believe in truth above everything else and this, this I feel is something that's universally true. A flicker of light can guide a lost wanderer to his destination and a flare of spark can lead two people into a forever rising love.
But today I felt an elemental doubt rising deep in my heart that questioned the most basic truth. What if the sea of negativity is limitless and the positivity, just a little speck? What if the intensity of darkness is so enormous that it overwhelms the glint of light?
"I am proud of you, you little asshole"
It wasn't meant to be funny or full of humour or a smart response that I had given for some task deftly done. It was borne purely out of love and sincere emotions towards Steve and had contained my awe for him, for the things that he does, for the brain that he has, for his thinking process, for his skill-set, for the adroit ease he shows while doing the mightiest of tasks and most of all, that he is not vain of all these things at all. I am just so proud of him but I probably failed to transpire my actual emotions into well-picked words that would show him all the things that I wanted him to see.
"And also stop calling me by such names. It's not really funny always."
Well, on the hindsight, it does seem cheap of me to call him an asshole, but he is quite an asshole at times, however, this time, it was out of admiration. It was a sarcastic way of showing my love, my affection for him. Ah my fault entirely, and I am happy Steve brought it up really because this means that we're frank and that's very important I think. We're true to each other and this is important.
But, it led me to a tiny conclusion that a little negativity sometimes crushes positivity. A simple "asshole" was enough to send the "proud of you" into deep and dark corners where its effect almost lessened so much it perhaps died out. To be terribly honest, it did sadden me up because I thought he was happy that his "precious" Kath was so very proud of him, that his "significant other" was so fond of him and loved him for all that he does. I may have used the wrong words but they were all stitched together with good intentions. Perhaps it was because I have never faced two things antagonise each other so much before this. Perhaps this is the lesson of the day, and a learning for a lifetime. But isn't it a good thing that he actually thinks I am worthy of knowing little things about him and how he feels?
Yes. I think it is.
Yet, I still won't let my heart accept this. Because this isn't true. Even if it left me sad, it in spite of that, made me feel good about the fact that we're still true to each other. Even if I had somehow disappointed him but it meant that I could improve. And that's how I know truth alone triumphs.
The truth that negativity can sometimes mask positivity but it never, never traps it. One little vent and truth comes rushing through.
Similarly, the road of our love may be blurry and cloudy but it is what's visible on the outside. It may be full of hardships and difficulties but it stays strong nevertheless. And I shall make it more meaningful, more significant and purposeful. If he is the soul, I shall be his conscience. If he is the mind, I will be his reason. If he is the heart, I will be his spirit. And if he is the vision, I shall be his perception. If he wishes, I shall be his judgement, I shall be his existence, I will be his mirror.
All of me for all of him.
That's all I know. That's all there is to know, I guess.
Forever yours, and yours alone
Ms Wrong Word but Good Intentions
No comments:
Post a Comment