Deafening Noises

Some people like silence. For them it is about sitting in the quietest, peaceful place and wondering about their life, their experiences, their pasts and the rest of the things.

But I like immense noise. All the disturbances, blaring loudness, vivacity and dynamism and shouting people. I like the activity, the chaos. It makes the whole experience of life more consuming, enriching. You immerse yourself in the ear-splitting music. You appreciate all the disturbances, well at least I do. That’s how you’re able to see all the silence in the first place.

I listen to music at the loudest of tones. The heart thumping, ear numbing deafening noise relieves and replenishes the whole of me. I sometimes get scared of all of it, it is just so overwhelming. It gives me shudders of fear and anxiety. So many beats, so much loudness, such liveliness, those thumps and pumps, it makes me wonder about my being. It compels me to think about what I have done my entire life and how I have spent every minute of it.

It reminds me of my deep profound dark corners, of the sins I have committed and of the losses I have incurred. It makes the whole world go black, gloomy and blurry in front of me. I marvel at the how the shouts are turned into music so intense it makes you crave for more fire.

The loudness of the noise conjures me to contemplate about life a certain way. It may feel a little devilish, but maybe the devil was god’s best friend until he fell down. Hard rock music makes me cry, weep for all the evil that I have faced and how I am still living with it. It creates a void so deep that emotions can’t fill. It makes me think of myself as an incomplete soul and that’s how it emboldens me to become better for myself. It flashes the past in front of me and forces me to face myself. It makes the whole experience of earnest love all the more wanting.

How many of you are capable of getting solace in noises? Of finding peace in disturbances? Of fixing yourself in the darkest deep buried places through numbing loudness? 

It might seem narcissistic and plain masochistic but all of me is full of similar evil. And the noises stimulate me to erase it and wipe out the slate of all I’ve done. It makes me regretful of the millions of lies I have said.  It makes me uncertain of my aims and ambitions I have for my future and it forces me to rethink and make choices to help me start all over again.

Dark loud music is like a drug for me, a strong narcotic adrenaline rushing drug that calms me down. 
It reminds me of my pain and makes me reason hard, cry harder and then it makes me let all of it go just like the songs end, the chaos turns uniform and life becomes more meaningful.